Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
