we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
