I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
