About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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