i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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