My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
