tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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