i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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