how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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