I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
