oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
