I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish you could order shots online.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
