we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
