You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
