I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
