Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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