You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
