We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
