Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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