I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
