My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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