just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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