this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
