Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
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We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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