i think i have two assholes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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