Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Welp...herpes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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