In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drunk is a universal language darling
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
