Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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