Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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