i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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