Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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