jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
