why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize