she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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