I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.