your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
