so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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