my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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