dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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