'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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