the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize