WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
