He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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