Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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