I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
