Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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