Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
