And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
