I wish my penis had an off switch
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
