they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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