You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
