Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
