You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
