he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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