Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
