Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
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My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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