And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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